What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid?

I’ve spent the last few months convincing myself that this was fate. Life was suppose to turn out like this.

We’re all inundated with the belief that we’re suppose to be okay with not knowing how or what our lives are going to turn out like. We’re coerced into spending almost $100,000 on our education, which is most definitely an investment in our future. Oh, and that living at home is a stepping stone and not a ending point.

I’m getting scared– no, I’ve been scared.

I wake up everyday feeling like I didn’t sign up for this. I was destined to be a nightly newscaster or hairstylists, like my younger self frequently dreamed of.

I shared my fears like I often do with my grandmother the other day. She had an unlikely response:

What would you do if you weren’t afraid ?

I really started to think about it. I decided to compile a list of things I would do If I stopped feelings so sorry for myself.

It’s a growing list, but here is the start:


1. Learn to dive. Years of swimming lessons and I have yet to pull it off.

2. Dye my hair Kim K. blonde.

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3. Hand write letters to everyone who has done wrong by me. (Who wouldn’t?)

4. Eat red peppers, onions and mayo.

5. Take a dance class.

6. Open a boutique.

7. Start an organization that focuses on professional development and life skills for inner city kids.

8. Endorse politicians. (It’s too risky in today’s pc society)

9. Be honest and open with my feelings in a relationship.

10. Live in a different country.

11. Spend New Years in Paris.

Paris-Fireworks

12. Go to beauty school so I can wax my own eye brows and receive product discounts.

13. Tell someone when they’ve hurt my feelings

14. Host seasonal viewing parties for all of my favorite shows, even though there is a possibility that no one will show up.

15. Send emails and letters when I’ve gotten really great service (I don’t know if this is a fear or just laziness).

16. Post every shopping purchase online (just because I love my purchases that much).

17. Not settle for a job that I’m not happy with.

18. Also, not settling in relationships just because I like the person.

19. Delete every social network.

20. Tell a fake friend that I actually hate them.

21. Get rid of the fear of judgement

22. Stop reading my horoscope every night at midnight.

I’ve heard that our fears mean we’re living. Life is about screwing up, starting again, and being scared shitless the entire time.

This is no longer just my list of fears. It’s my bucket list.

Now, I’ll ask you: What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

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Out On The Edge You See All Kinds Of Things You Can’t See From The Center

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I live without regret– well, a few.

I live fearlessly, but it’s not without very much fear. I find myself doing things that leave me tremoring with fear– and literally tremoring (an anxiety I developed after a few messy divorces).

I live in fear of regret.

This fear has gotten me into a little trouble, but also brought me many opportunities and moments I’ll never forget.

Like Kurt, I like to live on the edge, you see things you couldn’t have seen from the center.

 

You Are Moody, Sensitive and Unpredictable.

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I love astrology. I enjoy not having to worry about what’s going to happen tomorrow, and look forward to the eerie feeling when it’s all too familiar.

I recently came across a site that breaks down your astrological report down to the day you were born. Yes, this isn’t a major discovery.

I found my description to, well, give me goosebumps.

Discover yourself (click there).

Pisces

Personality : You are moody,sensitive and unpredictable.You love beauty and day-dreaming.You also make good poets.You are sympathetic and flexible by nature but sometimes,you can carry this to the extent of showing disregard for moral values.You tend to cross-check,and perceive things intuitively.Being kind-hearted,you find it difficult to refuse people as you have a genuine concern for them.Of course,smiles Ganesha,you will make good doctors and nurses.You may be disappointed in matters of the heart and hit the bottle consequently.With a strange outlook on financial matters,you share what you possess and expect others to do likewise.Your drawbacks are that you are secretive,indecisive,impractical and an escapist.

You shoulder maximum responsibility, that too willingly, says Ganesha. Hard-working, detail-oriented and focused, you see any task to its very end. Clutter and inconsistency irritate you. Practical, honest, trustworthy, intelligent and logical, your actions often speak louder than words. You are also drawn to the mystical realities of the world. Your clarity of thought and action, coupled with your quest for knowledge, take you quite far into the realms of the occult. Well, says Ganesha, you have the power to deal with it all, as well.
Positive Qualities : Liberal and sensitive, gentle and caring, progressive and kind, persuasive, nature-loving and imaginative, humane.
Negative Qualities : Uncertain, vague, easygoing, sometimes careless, difficult to understand, impractical, occasionally lacking in balance.

Chinese Sign: Monkey

Your quest, notes Ganesha,is to gather knowledge.To top it,you are blessed with a good memory,and remember things about the subject you delve into.Hungry for knowledge and good at grasping it too,you can talk eloquently at length.You love to create a buzz in your surroundings.Challenges turn you on and you do not give up till you win.Monkeys make loyal,devoted friends and dedicated professionals.You need to watch your eating habits as you may not eat well at meal time,and then snack enthusiastically in between.This will seriously affect your digestive system.Compassionate and kind,you have a friendly approach towards others.You are an excellent entertainer and love to be the soul of a party.

It Began With A Deep Tan, And One Two Many Of Whatever It Was That I Was Drinking.

“I got a Dear John letter.”

This wasn’t exactly how I was thinking my night would end.

It began with a deep tan, and one two many of whatever it was that I was drinking.

The breeze was right, and it seemed like everything around me had stopped. All was right in my world–for a small infinitesimal moment at least. Suddenly, well, almost annoyingly, a 6’3” (my specialty is guessing height), rugged, older gentleman came to join me at the bar.

I had met him the night before and he insisted on meeting up again. To someone who isn’t in the position of getting involved with anyone right now, this annoyed me, but I obliged.

We exchanged a few stories.

He wanted to know my life story, but I thought it was best to keep most, if not all of it from him.

Without warning, the conversation changed.

He began to delve into his past as a solider. The tall, rugged man had performed three tours in Iraq, and was now retired military. I was humbled.

Again, without warning, “I got a Dear John letter.”

Now, I’ve read the book, and refused to see the movie because why would anyone do that to themselves twice.

I didn’t think this happened in real life.

He had been wounded in combat and called his fiance to tell her of the incident and ask how the wedding planning was going, to which she disclosed:

“There isn’t going to be a wedding.”

I saw the pain in his words. I felt his aura. He was burned, and burned badly.

I could do nothing but stare blankly. In these instances, an “I’m so sorry” is nothing more than another swift slap in the face.

He then pulled out his phone to show me a photograph.

It was the last photograph he had with her; it was their engagement photo. He shared that it was the last piece of her that was left in his life.

Together we deleted it.

It wasn’t just a photograph, he wasn’t letting go.

The photograph, CD, takeout menu, dried flowers, and old notes aren’t going to bring someone back, they’re just going to prolong your healing.

As the lights came on, and the crowd began to die down, I hopped off of my stool, kissed him on the cheek and told him that I was doing him a favor by walking away.

Someday he’s going to make another girl very happy, but for now he can hopefully leave the Dear John letter behind.

If I ever meet the girl, I’ll curse the day she was born.

 

 

 

You’ll Forever Be Wrong, But I’ll Forever Be Grateful

There is something about our Dads.

He begins as our hero. We even shrugged off the other kids on the playground who dare say that their Dad was the coolest. They were obviously delusional. We held on to their feet as they left for work, and screamed down the street, “Daddy!!” as we heard their car pull up.

He then became the biggest fun-suck that we could ever encounter. What do you mean you have to come to the door to meet their parents? And no, Dad, you can’t just come and act like you don’t know me, just to make sure I’m okay.

We soon leave the oppressive ruler for college or something greater. Finally, we have the freedom we so desired! All at once, something strange begins to happens.

Well, for me at least, I began to seek my Dad for advice again. I may have told him 500 times that he didn’t understand, but I eventually saw the light.

From him, I’ve learned the value of unconditional love. If there is one thing for certain, there is no love more forgiving and genuine than your Dads.

He’s the only guy who will never, ever let you pay the tab. He will always carry your bag. He’s the confidant whom you can share almost anything with (unless, of course you want the person to live), and most importantly, lives everyday on his toes, just so we can have our so desired freedom.

To my Dad, and every Dad, you’ll forever be wrong, but I’ll forever be grateful.

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Fate, I Thank You For Stepping In.

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[note: savannah is too embarrassed to be in this photo]

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Alright, we can just sit here.”

We all have friends in life. Some of us prefer a large circle, while many, like myself, enjoy an intimate group. Each preference is neither wrong or right.

These relationships can be short-lived and mostly surface, or long-winded and reach the deepest pits of our soul.

We decided long ago that we didn’t have a friendship, we had a sisterhood.

Yes, we even had a traveling journal.

I have a strong footing in fate. It’s not pure luck that brought us together, but an act of something much more powerful than you or I. It was in fact predetermined many, many moons ago.

We grew up on Calvert Way.

A cul de sac, eloquently placed in the middle of suburbia– complete with red doors, white picket fences, and lemonade that was sold for $10 a glass.

Our unlikely group wasn’t your normal, rowdy neighborhood crowd. We were tiny moguls, planners, control freaks, performers and determined to see the world– even if we weren’t allowed past the end of the street.

We had every meal together (two dinners almost every night), celebrated holidays, saw each other at our ugliest, loathed the people who didn’t understand us (which was mostly everyone), and celebrated our tributes and triumphs.

These girls, now women, are my real-life Sex and The City and Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants… all wrapped into one.

Lena, is my sister, Michelle. She, like Lena is innocent, modest, and artistic. We begged for her to come out of her shell. It did happen for her in college, much in the same way it did for Lena. I even think she found a few Kostas along the way. Now, she also holds the title of Charlotte. Similarly conservative, loving, and sensitive. I can picture her yelling to our real life Bigs, “I curse the day you were born!”

Bridget, is Madison. They both live passionately and quite rebelliously. The leaders, always striving for perfection. Unfortunately for Madison, soccer wasn’t exactly her strength. But, none of us were remotely athletic anyway. While she is Bridget, she is also Miranda Hobbs. Madison, like Miranda is going to rule the cooperate world, and with an iron fist.

Sweet Carmon is our dearest, Savannah. They hold their tongue for the benefit of the group, and always seem to go with the flow. She is the glue and soothing voice that keeps us together. It’s almost fitting that Savannah is also the infamous Carrie Bradshaw. Both are light-hearted and forever in love.

Tibby was always myself. Fitting in with social norms wasn’t for her, or I. We speak up and demand to be heard. I keep things light for our group– and maybe a little edgy sometimes.Only naturally am I also the Samantha Jones of our pact (least the promiscuous side..it had to be addressed). I, like Samantha will never have two and half kids and a dog– it’s just not us.

These are the women who will help raise my kids, and will surely be the god mother to a few (a nod to the many weekends spent in Sunday school).

Fate, I thank you for stepping in.